Three Layers of Love

Dr. Jane C. Pan

January 2, 2007

Often times I hear couples tell each other "I love you," or at times one would say to the other person, "I do not love you anymore." What does it mean to love or not to love?

Actually when you are saying or doing things to show "love", you are actually loving the other person through different layers. The layers agreed by most marriage specialists are Eros Love ??, Philio ???Love, and Agape ????Love. Let me explain.

Eros Love is love on the physical plain. It is the kind of love that attracts a man and a woman together. This kind of love is targeted toward sexual fulfillment and Hollywood generally portrays this kind of love very well. This layer of love says to people "love is blind." This love is important in a marriage. Husband and wife should enjoy each other and fulfill each other's needs in the sexual area. The wise instructions given are this: "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations..." I Corinthians 7:3-5.

There is a problem if you love your spouse only on this layer. What happens if you find your spouse is no longer physically attractive to you? Because Eros love is a very selfish love. This kind of love only knows how to take, always looking for gaining and self-gratifying, not willing to give anything in return. Many marriages failed here, where one or both spouses wanted sexual excitement and end up with extramarital affairs.

Philio Love is Love on an emotional plain. It is a conditional love where "I love you because you love me," kind of mutual love based on needs met by each other. This kind of love is love of friendship. You are my friend because you are good to me. I am your friend because I can help you and support you. This layer of love is also important in a marriage. There has to be a point of mutual understanding and trust of each other. We treat each other like friends and respect each other. This is the kind of support every marriage should have.

However, there is a problem here too if your love is only this layer deep. What happens if you find someone else who can be a better friend to you than your spouse can? You find you can trust this person and respect this person much more than your spouse. Many marriages failed here, where one or both spouses wanted to switch partners. They are more emotionally bonded to their lovers than to their spouses.

Agape Love is Love on a spiritual plain. It is the highest form of love that many cannot reach without supernatural power to help. This is the kind of love described in I Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever..."

If you love your spouse from this layer, you seek the welfare of your spouse and not your own. This kind of love is unconditional. This love requires you to give and not getting from your spouse. If you find you have this Agape love, your marriage will last and be secured forever. This kind of love is not controlling. You love your spouse not because he is your friend; you love your spouse regardless of your friendship. This is the kind of love that says, "I love you and I set you free! I love you no matter what you do or who you are."

In a happy marriage, you need to have all three layers of love. When you are young and just got married, perhaps you have the Eros love. As you grow older and more mature in your relationship, you start to develop Philio Love. However, if want your love relationship to be perfect and peaceful and lasting, you need to acquire the Agape love. God only gives this kind of love, because Agape love is God's love, it is a divine love. You and your spouse will only be perfect together when you go into the spiritual depth of your relationship. The love that is unconditional and cannot be destroyed by calamities or hardships in life. This is the kind of love that says, "Love each other so deeply that it doe not matter whether we are in riches or poverty, in sickness or health, only death can set us apart. Even then we are only separated physically!"

As I write this, article and reflect on our marriage. I see the maturity in our relationship through my husband's illness. This is really a blessing in disguise! Through the suffering and pains we both have experienced, we realized that God's love is always with us. There is no fear in perfect love. We can say we love each other to the bones. Even if we are separated physically one day, we have the love between us that can carry the one who is left behind through eternity. Perfect love never fails!

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