Commitment In Marriage

Feb. 2^nd article

Dr. Jane C. Pan

Marriage is not just a commitment to a piece of paper. Marriage is a covenant or vow taken between two people who wanted to share their lives together for good.

The covenant of marriage says "Do you (groom/bride) take (groom/bride) to be your lawfully wedded (husband/wife), and do you PROMISE before God and these witnesses, to love (him/her), to comfort (him/her), honor and keep (him/her) in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, keep you only to (him/her) so long as you both will live? DO YOU SO PROMISE?"

This universal marriage covenant teaches us that marriage is a sacred pact between two people. They are bound by one flesh, unison for life. This unison involves the total being from the couple's Emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and Physical boundaries.

Today's marriage institution all around the world is in critical crisis. Divorce rates are climbing at an alarming rate both here in the United States and China. What happened to the sanctity of marriage?

What I found out to be the truth is that today's value of commitment in marriage has shifted to satisfying the individual needs from honoring and respecting the marriage covenant or vow. Extra marital affairs are rampant because people are getting more and more self-centered and selfish in satisfying their own needs first. The meaning of "love" today so distorted, that "love" has become a feeling rather than a lasting commitment. Let me explain:

C. S. Lewis (famous author of Mere Christianity) stated so clearly that Love is not a feeling, because feeling do not last. "Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go."

I had heard a husband say to his wife during their divorce process "I don't feel I love you anymore. I love the other woman because she makes me feel good. She satisfies my emotional needs and although we have been married for 25 years, I should satisfy my feeling rather than staying with you." Now that is the most unintelligent statement of the year. How can anyone trust feeling? What happens when his feelings change again? If he can change his feelings after 25 years of marriage, what stops him to change his feeling again in a few years?

If love is not a feeling, then what is it? Love is a deep unity between two people. It goes unsaid many times, but you know from your heart that love is willed into existence. It is strengthened by habit, reinforced by grace for each other. If you believe in God, that is even better, because God is the source of grace. By God's power, you can learn to forgive each other. Grace is giving love or getting love from your dearest one, what you do not really deserve. Love is a promise of fidelity and a commitment no matter what happens, good or bad.

Would you like to have an affair-proven marriage? Here are some pointers:

1. Keep accountability of your commitment seriously. Ask God for wisdom and strength to deal with daily interactions. Treat your marriage vows seriously. If you and your spouse have a higher power you are accountable to, you make fewer mistakes and will honor your marriage bed. If nobody is watching you in temptations, you know you cannot escape God's eyesight. He is Omniscient or all knowing. If you have an affair, you know God will keep you accountable and will judge you accordingly. Only you can take the consequences of your own sins.

2. Intentionally build walls or fences around your marriage to protect your marriage. Never go into an unhealthy relationship with anyone. Run from temptations whenever they snare you. Do not say to yourself "I can handle this situation." You are most vulnerable when you try to satisfy your ego and pride.

3. Have fellowship with other couples and build accountability there. Men need to have other men friends who can become good buddies. Women need to develop women friendship like sisters who can keep each other accountable.

4. Spend time together without the children. Develop intimate husband and wife relationship without the triangulation of children involved. Do not build your relationship around the children. The priority of husband and wife relationship precedes the parents and children relationship. When the children grow up, they will remember the unity of their parents and follow their parents' footstep in their own marriage.

Life is precious and too short for negativity in marriage. Decide for yourself today, you want to contribute to the happiness of your marriage. Make a commitment to make a difference in your family. So that your children will rise and call you blessed!

Any inquiries to Panedu@bellsouth.net